What have I ever done to the internet?

I worked from home today as I’m having my office decorated and a new wi-fi system installed.

Like anyone who, by the sweat of his brow, has earned the right to such luxuries, I have a cleaner, a vision of pulchritude and the subject of more than a few nocturnal reveries, who I pay to come three times a week to do stuff I don’t like doing, like scrub my toilet and clean the oven.

She arrived as usual this morning and began busying herself with the task of degreasing the kitchen sink downpipe, another task that I prefer to outsource. Minutes later a lady estate agent dropped by with two potential female tenants, who are considering renting the place while I’m away for a few weeks.

So there I was, on my patch, bored insensate with a PowerPoint presentation, alone with four vixens, one humming contentedly in the kitchen and three others in the bedroom.

Now I don’t know how many of you have ever looked at the internet before but I have, and I was pretty confident that I knew where this was leading.

Imagine my sense of frustration and anticlimax, then, when the estate agent merely showed the two potential tenants around, thanked me politely and left, while the cleaner just continued cleaning, finished, asked me for her money and went home.

Why would the internet lie to me?



6 comments on “What have I ever done to the internet?

  1. It hasn’t lied to you. The ladies in question were all aware of your medical condition and knew that having a full on sapphic scissoring session would only end in your having a grand mal, and your likely demise.

    What they did was all go into the flat next door and go at it like knives with each other until it smelt like Grimsby market on a Monday

    Also worth noting that they were all straight until they met you.

  2. Do you think so?

    You’re such a comfort.

  3. Absent a by-line photograph, I am unable to comment. Hans Free Solo’s theory has merit, but Occam’s Razor suggests that they were more likely committed rug-munchers before they clapped eyes on you – it being only very rarely documented in the medical literature that sexual orientation can be reversed by exposure to unpleasant images (see “The Jonathan Ross Effect: Two case studies”, Kraslowski and Melling, The Journal of Sexual Medicine, Vol 10, pp 312-343)

  4. I always considered Jonathan Ross to be a fairly presentable sort of chap, even attractive in a Barbara Cartland meets Jo Brand sort of way.

    Does that make me a bad person?

  5. The study seeks to suggest that Wossy believes his boyish good looks, innate charm and ready wit are all that is needed to “cure” Sapphic tendencies. Whereas you and I both know that electro-convulsive therapy and anti-psychotic drugs are much more effective.

  6. Why would you want to cure sapphic tendencies?

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