What have I ever done to the internet?

I worked from home today as I’m having my office decorated and a new wi-fi system installed.

Like anyone who, by the sweat of his brow, has earned the right to such luxuries, I have a cleaner, a vision of pulchritude and the subject of more than a few nocturnal reveries, who I pay to come three times a week to do stuff I don’t like doing, like scrub my toilet and clean the oven.

She arrived as usual this morning and began busying herself with the task of degreasing the kitchen sink downpipe, another task that I prefer to outsource. Minutes later a lady estate agent dropped by with two potential female tenants, who are considering renting the place while I’m away for a few weeks.

So there I was, on my patch, bored insensate with a PowerPoint presentation, alone with four vixens, one humming contentedly in the kitchen and three others in the bedroom.

Now I don’t know how many of you have ever looked at the internet before but I have, and I was pretty confident that I knew where this was leading.

Imagine my sense of frustration and anticlimax, then, when the estate agent merely showed the two potential tenants around, thanked me politely and left, while the cleaner just continued cleaning, finished, asked me for her money and went home.

Why would the internet lie to me?

Pornstar tweet of the day #6

Today?

No contest….

Madison Mitchell, the Dorothy Parker of porntweetdom….

Marry me, you silver tongued she-devil.

Pornstar tweet of the day #4

You know the feeling. In fulfillment of a long held ambition, you have finally landed your first booking as male pornstar. To add a liberal coat of icing to the cake, your partner in your small screen hide the cannoli debut is the toothsome and generally chubby-inducing Tori Black.

What can possibly go wrong? Well, if you’re a certain James Franko (not to be confused, we hope, with James Franco), quite a lot, apparently….

Ouch! Not a good start. I wonder would she have slapped the offending appendage itself or merely its owner?

But I digress….

Ah, that James Franko….

Yeeeees….

Well quite….

Undoubtedly. Dedication above and beyond. So it was bad, then?

What about the little blue pill? Was that considered?

Quite right. Keep the juicers out of porn, I say….

Yep. We’ve all been there, love….

Go on….

Rest assured, Tori, fucking you good is definitely something I’ll be bearing in mind. However, were such an opportunity ever to come to pass, I suspect the memory of the vituperation above might put me off my stroke a tad.

I spent literaly minutes scouring the internet for information on the unfortunate Mr Franko, but nothing was, as it were, forthcoming.

Probably best for all concerned if it stays that way.