If you can’t say anything nice about someone, it’s probably Jan Moir

Jan Moir…. Well, would you? Even after a skinful and enough GHB to tranquilise a team of Clydesdales?

From a personal perspective, an evening spent in a crack den, trepanning myself with a rusty hand drill holds more appeal.

Tongue firmly lodged in the anal profundities of The Daily Quail and Anton Vowl.

What’s orange and slides across the floor?

Embrace the sequined majesty that is z list slebs earnestly discussing their “journey” while spray tanned bright orange!

Yes, Strictly Come Dancing is on again at the weekend. And the asinine X-Factor on the other side.

Can’t think why I go out every Saturday night.

Well there’s a thing!

I have learned today that if we gave the Irish the Great Famine, they’re responsible for Chris Moyles.

I’d say that makes us about quits.

That 3AM Girls party A-Z in full

A is for ASBO

B is for bandwagon

C is for can’t see what the fuss is about

D is for does anyone care?

E is for ephemeral

F is for freeloader

G is for gatecrasher

H is for hype

I is for irrelevant distraction

K is for Kaká’s incarcerated church leaders

J is for June can’t come soon enough

L is for ligger

M is for microceleb

N is for not getting in

O is for opening of an envelope

P is for papparazzo’s paradise

Q is for quiet night in

R is for rooney’s metatarsal

S is for slow news day

T is for tedium

U is for unseemly scramble for the buffet

V is for vol au vent

W is for watching paint dry

X is for xanax

Z is for zzzzzz